Hi, I'm Ryder creator of the Bullet Journal Method and today I'll be diving into how we can use our practice to deepen and create meaningful relationships. Let's dive in. There's a saying that goes: If you don't know how to say what you mean, you won't mean what you say. Knowing how to say what we mean is one of the most critical life skills that we can develop. Why? If we don't know how to say what we mean we can't be understood. If we can't be understood we risk forfeiting one of the most important experiences in life, connection. Before we can hope for others to understand us, we need to develop the ability to express what it is that we are feeling. For many of us though, that can be really hard because we don't know what we're feeling. A big problem with sharing our feelings is that we often do it before we understand what it is that we're experiencing or what we want the other person to understand about what it is that we're experiencing. This often results in saying things that we don't mean and confusing, or even hurting people in the process, even if we don't intend to. Journaling can be incredibly helpful when it comes to this. Journaling can help us process our emotions before we communicate them. A notebook creates the perfect conditions to explore our feelings without hurting or confusing anyone while we're figuring out what's going on with us, while we're trying to find the right words. To be clear, you don't have to figure out why you're feeling what you're feeling. Half the time we have no idea why we feel the way we do, and our best guesses are wrong and that's okay. We can, however, take the time to label what we're experiencing, without knowing why. Labeling our emotions has two powerful benefits. One, it helps us distance ourselves from the emotion. Rather than I am really upset and mad, it's like I am experiencing anger, sadness, frustration. It makes it less likely for that emotion to become our identity. By labeling it, we create distance that we so often lack.

Secondly, when we try to label our emotions, we can quickly try on different words to see if they fit. Are you feeling anger or frustration or disgust or disappointment? Though they may seem similar, they are very different from one another and it's important to kind of understand what it is that we're going through, especially if we want somebody else to understand it. Once we know what we are feeling, we need an effective and productive way to communicate those feelings with someone else. And this can be really hard, especially when the other person's behavior has triggered a lot of intense emotions in us, but shaming or blaming them will just make them more defensive and unreceptive, and that's not what we want either. Right? We're trying to connect to understand one another. So what can we do? In his work on non-violent communication psychologist Marshall Rosenberg provides a framework for expressing strong emotions in a productive way. The purpose of the framework is to help us connect with others in a way that is compassionate and nonjudgmental towards them and even more importantly, towards ourselves. The method is called O.F.N.R, which stands for Observing, Feeling, Needing, Requesting This approach has been an incredibly effective tool for conflict resolutions ranging from war zones to boardrooms, to domestic disputes. I found this framework also provides an incredibly powerful way to explore our emotions through journaling before we ever say a single word. The next time that you're experiencing persistent, overwhelming or negative emotions, especially if they relate to another person, try exploring that experience through these four questions in your Bullet Journal. One. What are you observing? The next time that you're upset try to take a step back and write about what you're observing without judgment. Being emotionally triggered by an experience is a good indication that you're judging it. There's some story that you're telling yourself.

You're no longer objective. For example, when you see that your partner did not do one of their chores, your judgment may be that they're lazy. But what you're actually observing is that the dishes aren't done. These are two very different things. In this part of the exercise focus, only on what you observe, what is objectively true about an experience or a situation? Did they blame you or did they point out a problem? Do they dislike you? Or were you just not invited to the party? Do they not trust you? Or did they just give the job to someone else? Thinking about what is objectively true can feel really unnatural. The question forces us to shift our perspective away from judgment, towards curiosity. This shift can help us switch from a reactive to a responsive state. I found that this alone can help me dismiss a lot of unhelpful thinking and it can help me regulate my state. Even if it can't at the very least it can help me, let go of an idea so that I can get in touch with how I'm feeling. what are you feeling After you've written down your observation, write down how it made you feel. Do you feel angry, frustrated, disgusted, betrayed? Take some time to label the emotion that you're feeling. Try words on and see if they fit. This is a chance to get clear on what we're actually feeling. This is not about trying to figure out how other people feel, which we tend to do often. So rather than saying, I feel they don't like me. You would say something along the lines of, I feel rejected. Don't worry if you can't pinpoint the exact emotion, you're just trying to get as close as possible so you can move on. The reason we're trying to label our emotions is because they help us figure out what we actually need. What do you need? Many of the challenging emotions that we choose to share, come from an unmet need. Once you have some clarity around what you're feeling, you can start to explore what you may need. If a certain behavior made you feel lonely, for example, then chances are that what you need is closeness or reassurance or affection.

Sometimes it's hard to figure out what it is that we actually need. That's okay. Take some time to play around with it in your notebook until something clicks. Sometimes that click is loud, other times it's really faint. So it's important to pay attention as you're writing. Take the time that you need. It's really important to figure out what it is that you need before you make your request. What is your request? By now it may seem like we've said enough. They should be able to piece it together from here. Right? Almost. There's one critical yet vulnerable element missing here, asking for their help. If you're looking to share what you're going through, then there must be a reason. There's something that you want them to do. In order for that to happen, in order for them to take action, we need to make a request. To be clear, this is not a demand or an ultimatum. No, this is a genuine request for their support. Here's a popular example based on all steps of OFNER. When I hear "I need space" it makes me feel like a burden, and scared that I'll be abandoned. I need to feel secure in this relationship and safe. Would you be willing to help me plan a schedule this afternoon, that lets you have alone time you need, and the together time that I need? The trick is that you want your request to be as specific as possible. We don't want to leave the other person having to interpret how to meet our needs. That's likely what caused the problem in the first place. The request should be actionable and doable. It should be framed without shame or blame in a way that sets the other person up for success. You'll be surprised at how empowering it can be to others to be asked for help and how willing they'll be to rise to that challenge. Now this all may seem like a lot of work. But I have found that going through this thought process in my Bullet Journal has helped me clarify my thinking, regulate my emotions, and most of all improved my ability to say what I mean.

Especially when I'm going through something that's either confusing or really difficult. Communication is a skill. One that we can all develop. When we know how to say what we mean, our communication becomes meaningful. Meaningful communication leads to meaningful relationships. Studies have found over and over and over again, that meaningful relationships are the most reliable source of joy that we have available to us. If you found this video useful, please be sure to check out the accompanying article that I wrote about it on our website, the link for that is below. If you have any questions, be sure to leave them in the comments. I'll be using those questions to create more of these videos. If you enjoyed what you saw, please like this video and subscribe to our channel. Thank you so much for taking the time. Happy Bullet journaling. I'll see you in the next one.